Should I just try it ? What could go wrong ?

Don't worry nothing dangerous or suisidal guys.

I have decided I really really want to meet someone like... This week lol, I tried tinder and got a few chats going but didn't really get anywhere. I also started talking to some guys I don't think I'm bi sexual I just like having sex with them and I have done in the past. Anyway I was thinking of just going into a quiet coffee shop getting a drink just one for about an hour or so not too long and just seeing if I can talk to any girls or guys that I like. I don't nessassarily have to do anything at all with them it could just be a simple chat. I feel this is a good goal for me to try and achieve this week. I also for some reason don't think this would work for me in a pub/bar. Somewhere like a cafe that's a little more quiet and relaxed.

What do you guys think ?
Any other suggestions?

By the way thank you guys for being so nice in my previous posts

I feel welcome to the bald move family
TravisTaraC73

Comments

  • Garthgou81Garthgou81 Placerville, CA
    My biggest advice (coming from a 35 year old single guy...so maybe take it with a grain of salt), is to not have any expectations. It is good to have goals, but the more of an expectation you have to meet someone, the more upset you will feel if it doesn't play out as you'd hoped.

    I find that people who focus too hard on finding someone to be with instead of just enjoying conversation over a beer/coffee tend to be disappointed. If you go out with the mind-set: "Okay, I am just going to have a coffee," then there will be no disappointment. If you go out with the mind-set: "I am going out to talk to and meet someone over coffee," the chances of disappointment increase significantly.

    Good luck. I do want to say that putting yourself in these situations if you aren't feeling great to begin with could backfire. I am glad you are feeling good, but emotionally charged encounters could tip the scale depending on how things go. Not saying you shouldn't be getting out. Avoiding isolating is excellent. Just something to keep in mind.
    iMatty94Travis
  • I think I get what you mean, so do you think I should try it ?
  • Garthgou81Garthgou81 Placerville, CA
    I guess it really depends on what your intentions are. I'd be lying if I said your previous posts don't color the advice that I am giving here. Like part of me says that you should just focus on yourself because relationships can really be an emotional minefield if are feeling at all fragile. On the other hand you mention just wanting a simple chat and avoiding human contact isn't a way to get yourself feeling better either.

    My first instinct is actually to tell you that you should try to find a good group of supportive people as opposed to looking for an intimate friend. That could be legitimate support group like an AA meeting (even for those without addiction problems, I've found meetings can be very helpful), group therapy (DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in particular is a great teaching and practicing type of group, but usually they are done with a therapist leading it, which involves insurance and such), or even just a board game group.

    In short, I wouldn't avoid human contact because that is a sure-fire way to feel shitty again. But I am not sure I would throw my energy into finding a significant other if I were in your shoes after everything you've been going through. A group of people that you could surround yourself with and get support through? That could be ideal. I am not saying don't do it. Give it a shot if it feels like the right move. An hour at a coffee shop couldn't hurt.
    voodooratiMatty94Tyler_DurdenTravisTaraC73BourbonQueen
  • BB2KBB2K Adelaide, South Australia
    please print your op out and show it to your therapist
  • edited August 2016
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • broompersonbroomperson the Iron Islands
    yeah man, go into a coffee shop and just talk to people. Be confident!
  • michielterlouwmichielterlouw Helsinki
    edited August 2016
    Not sure if this exists in the country you live. But back in my home country (the Netherlands), some bigger coffee places/cafes have a "reading table". It's usually a very long table, somewhere in the center of the cafe, with stacks of newspapers and magazines in the middle. The idea is that people can sit there and read the papers or the
    magazines, while drinking their coffees and eating their
    sandwiches/soups/snacks/etc.

    Because it's such a large table, it automatically functions as a community/social space. If you sit at that table, by definition you are sharing the table and the space with everybody else at that table. At any given moment, Usually there are at least 10 "strangers" sharing the same table.


    image
    The nice thing is that it's quite easy to strike up an informal conversations. "Hi. Could I read that section when you are done?" "Did you read that funny article about Game of Thrones?" "I have never read that magazine before, is it any good?".... and for the other person, it's easy to either continue the conversation... or politely wrap it up and go back to whatever they were reading. It avoids a lot of the social awkwardness.

    Well, if that doesn't exist where you live, I guess my advice is pretty useless. But if it does.... that would probably be my first step if I were you. Not with the intention of "hooking up" per se, but just getting out in public and having small talk with people you don't know, and finding out what interests you might have in common.
  • I'm not someone I'd go to for advice, and mine's probably not worth the non-existent paper I'm writing it on here, but I'm torn between trippy and garth's advice; they both feel right.  There's an upside--I think human companionship and friendship can be invaluable when we're emotionally wounded--but there's also a very real downside and disappointment here can be crushing if you're already vulnerable--and that downside is much more likely if you don't manage your expectations.

    It sounds to me like you need some people or a person or whatever to listen and to be your friend or friends, and maybe the disembodied voices here serve a little bit of that role, but obviously real flesh-and-blood friends that you can share your life with (and they can share theirs with you) serve that role much more efficiently.

    I also don't know what the origin of the mental health issues are, hell, I don't even know what mine are or have been, or what saved me from myself (or at least the self-destructive parts of myself) way back when I struggled with things that sound sort of similar to what you've been going through.  I guess I just think that in the end, isolation isn't usually helpful.

    Anyway, like I said, my advice is of limited value so take it for what it's worth.
  • fidozfidoz Houston
    The only advice I can give you is my own experience. I met my first wife at college and we married when I was 19. I was miserable and we divorced after 8 years. We should have divorced after 3 but when you're that young you're afraid of the change. I dated for a few years then joined Match.com. I used a shotgun approach sending messages to anyone that seemed interesting. One day I sent a message to a woman who ended up not interested in me but told her friend about me and passed my information along to her. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have 2 wonderful children and in 2 weeks we will have been married for 13 years. No one has ever understood me the way my wife does and no one has ever been as forgiving of my idiosyncrasies as she has been. I can't break down the percentages but it's all part luck and part just putting yourself out there and being able to recognize that moment when you know you are with your person. Good Luck on your journey. 
  • As it's been said, because of the recent events in your life, I would not do anything without clearing it through your therapist. While we can say F it go on and meet people, that may not be the best thing for YOU. I know it sucks being lonely, but if you don't work on YOU and get things right with YOU things may not work out the best. While I'm not saying isolate yourself any deeply emotional connections should be attempted to be avoided until you're really ready. People here may also not be familiar with your previous posts. I do wish you the best, but I want to see you get right 1st. Without the therapists help, it's a tricky situation for any of us to give any meaningful response. We can always say what you want to hear, but in the end that doesn't serve you, it serves your current mood at the time of the post. I do hope that you reach out and check with your therapist before making these large jumps. As always we are here to listen.
  • BB2K said:

    please print your op out and show it to your therapist

    My what ?
  • iMatty94 said:

    BB2K said:

    please print your op out and show it to your therapist

    My what ?
    OP=Original Post (1st post in this thread).
  • TaraC73TaraC73 Manchester NH
    edited August 2016
    Wow... I haven't read everyone else's replies just yet. I think getting out and talking to people is a good idea. I feel like a coffee house would be less pressure/low key than a bar, so that would be a great place to start. If you're just feeling the need for some sex/bed buddy, just be sure to be up front with whomever you may hook up with ("I just want a casual thing, for now, see how things go") to help avoid drama. I think if you're looking for a relationship beyond the bedroom, tread lightly and don't have huge expectations to start off. It is true when they say "you find love when you least expect it!"

    *this is coming from a 42 year old 17-year married lady who has only had like three serious relationships ever*

    But I definitely think you should go to a cafe and chill! You can strike up a conversation with anyone and see where it goes! Friend or maybe more - it's always fun to meet new people!!

    :)
    iMatty94
  • TaraC73 said:

    Wow... I haven't read everyone else's replies just yet. I think getting out and talking to people is a good idea. I feel like a coffee house would be less pressure/low key than a bar, so that would be a great place to start. If you're just feeling the need for some sex/bed buddy, just be sure to be up front with whomever you may hook up with ("I just want a casual thing, for now, see how things go") to help avoid drama. I think if you're looking for a relationship beyond the bedroom, tread lightly and don't have huge expectations to start off. It is true when they say "you find love when you least expect it!"

    *this is coming from a 42 year old 17-year married lady who has only had like three serious relationships ever*

    But I definitely think you should go to a cafe and chill! You can strike up a conversation with anyone and see where it goes! Friend or maybe more - it's always fun to meet new people!!

    :)

    Yea planning to go out maybe Tuesday (a week after the 2nd)
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